Homer: You’re…selling what, now?
Apu: I am selling only the concept of karmic realignment.
Homer: You can’t sell that! Karma can only be portioned out by the cosmos. [slams the door]
Apu: He’s got me there.

Someone who I respect a great deal and who really should know better sent me an email chain letter today. Perhaps you have received one like this at some point or another.

This one was about “karma” and how to live my life. It also had a picture of the Dalai Lama and stuff so you know it was special and spiritual and full of meaning. The email insisted that I had to send this to 5 other people within 96 hours and something good would happen to me.

So if I send it then anything remotely positive that happens in my life I will attribute it to me sending this drivel on to other people like a sucker, right?

Please.

However I just hit upon a plan to send it to more than five people and also have some fun at the same time. I will just post the damn thing on my blog! That way more than 5 people will see it. Probably even 10!

That is an excellent karmic investment if you ask me!

So without further ado here is the list of rules you must live your life by with helpful commentary by yours truly The Meatriarchy.

But first here is the dopey picture that accompanies the email:

And now lets read the rules to live your life by:

INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

Wow the Dalai Lama said that? So has every other success guru from Brian Tracey to Tony Robbins. But people don’t send chain letters in their names.

2. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.

My Karate Sensei used to say that the person who won the sparring/kata championship at a tournament was the only loser because all the others would go away with things to work on. So again your precious email hasn’t taught me anything that I don’t already know - and I’m supposed to pass this on to 5 people?

3. Follow the three Rs:
Respect for self
Respect for others and
Responsibility for your own actions

Gee I wish all the leftwing new age types who worship this guy would take that last one seriously. If everyone lived by that mantra alone we wouldn’t need a parasitic welfare state to prop up those who blame their shortcomings on everyone else but themselves.

4. Remember not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

Garth Brooks had a song about this like 10 years ago. Remember? It was played endlessly on those awful “new country” stations? “some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers” So who has the copyright on this one?

5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.

The Federal Liberals have this one down cold. Maybe this Dalai guy is tougher than we think.

6. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

Anyone that I have ever pissed off please take heed of #6.

7. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

Or in the case of the Liberals take immediate steps to cover it up.

8. Spend some time alone every day.

Preferably with some good quality porn.

9. Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.

The last time I was in Toronto someone asked me for spare change but I told him if I gave him any it would mean letting go of my values.

10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

Every time I tell my wife that she gets really angry. Why?

11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.

My uncle starting enjoying his life a second time. They said he had Alzheimer’s and stuck him in home.

12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.

But it isn’t helping the big friggin’ crack in the foundation along the garage wall of my house. I guess I am not loving it enough.

13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.

Every man would love for all women to read that one about a million times.!

14. Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality.

That’s why I have been bloggin for almost three years Lama dude! I belong to the ages now!

15. Be gentle with the Earth.

No problem I hate gardening.

16. Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before.

Like a different strip bar. Or that room in my house that my wife is always in. What’s that one called again… laundry room! Yeah that’s it.

17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.

Do you think that’s how Brad and Jen decided to end it? Did Brad wake up one day and say “Jen my love for you doesn’t exceed my need for you. Since I need you more than I love you I feel it only right that I begin plowing Angelina Jolie.”

Wow Eastern wisdom is deep.

18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Like those chicks on Howard Stern who do stupid things for free boob jobs.

19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

Now this is just wrong. First of all you will get a terrible case of VD or worse. And secondly no one likes a reckless cook. Perhaps this is why “Tibetan Cuisine” isn’t exactly world renowned?

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